Spirituality, Signs and Sobriety

Day 103. Spirituality is a big part of my life and intertwined in everyday, so it seems strange to condense everything into one post, but for people who don’t connect with spirituality in the way that I do, some of this shit is going to be weird. I don’t want to deter people from connecting with me and my recovery journey, so while spirituality is there all the time, putting this into one- easy to skip- place seemed like the way to go.

Spirituality came into my life in the fall of 2017 when I went to a workshop called ‘Live a Magical Life’ with Sarah Jenks. Sarah is a spiritual and women’s empowerment coach who happens to live in my small town. She is now also my boss. The woman is a goddess and I will forever thank the universe for connecting me to her.

I went to the workshop not knowing what to expect. I kind of thought that maybe she was going to coach us into our best lives or something. No. She was LITERALLY going to talk about magic and signs and crystals and alters and the moon. It was a lot to take in for a spiritual virgin, but I was immediately hooked. Hearing Sarah talk about the ways that magic has helped her live her best life propelled me to live a magical life myself.

As us addicts tend to do when we like something, we go all out. So, I went to the local spiritual store and I bought the crystals and the books. I got the sage and the incense. But, most importantly, this is the time that I learned to shut my mind up and let my soul speak.

Bear in mind that I was still drinking at this time, so when I would sit down at my alter or hold a full moon ceremony or try and sage myself it really wasn’t working because my body required so much attention at that time. When you’re dizzy because you’re drunk or fuzzy because you’re hungover it’s really difficult to focus on anything else. So, while I was beginning to embark on my spiritual journey, I wasn’t really ready to connect with myself. But, the magic was still happening.

Sarah suggested making a ‘spiritual evidence’ list and hanging it in your home. On it, you list signs that you see, hear or feel. Animals that cross your path. Coincidences that occur that you manifested in your mind. That kind of shit.

I had quite a list, naming all the ways that the universe was calling out to me. I listed the hawk sitings that seemed to always occur when I was talking about 2018. (Hawks are a representation of ‘flying higher than you ever have before’.). I listed how nature kept coming up when I asked, aloud, what I needed more of in my life. But the Arizona story, by FAR, was the biggest part of my list.

In another workshop with Sarah, she guided us through a meditation of our dream day. (It was also provided in a recording, so I have done this meditation a few times.) In this meditation, we started the day ANYwhere, alone or with anyone. She asked us to look around- what did it look like, feel like? She asked us to notice the colors and the climate. She lead us through about 20 minutes of this experience, through this ideal day.

It was so strange to me that I found myself in the desert, specifically Scottsdale, Arizona. I’ve never been there. I have no connections to it. It came out of nowhere. The house was a cozy ranch, filled with white and light with earthy finishes. It was so crystal clear it was creepy. I didn’t think too much of it, until the same house appeared AGAIN when I did the meditation about a week later.

WTF, I thought and headed to the internet. I hopped on Zillow and guess what? The house- the exact one I had so clearly envisioned- was there and on the market in Scottsdale AZ. I didn’t know what this meant, but it was for sure a sign of some kind! I turned to my spiritual sisters who all ‘freaked out’ with me. And then, I booked a trip across the country to see the fucking house. How could I not?

I also booked an Air B and B and the magic kept following. Without knowing anything about Scottsdale, I ended up blindly choosing a place to stay that ended being on the same street as the house from my meditation. Then, as I was chatting with the host, I found out he was from the same part of NY that I was. Let this sink in. What are the actual chances?

I figured this was a person I was supposed to meet- for whatever reason. Maybe he was my soulmate (although that would be pretty shitty, since I AM married). Maybe he was my sister’s soulmate. WHO KNOWS, right? But it was all too strange.

I arrived in Arizona and with permission from the owner of the ‘meditation house’, I went to see it. It was so surreal, to be in this place that I had created in my mind.

Next I headed to my Air B and B, but not before stopping at a local brewery first. I mean, duh, I was on vacation. Plus I wanted to ease my nerves before I went to stay with a strange man who the universe was guiding me to. I drank a few beers and grabbed some of their ‘to go’ libations to share with my host.

I arrived, we said our hellos and I got a tour of his (amazing!) home. Then, I broke out the growlers of locally brewed beer and offered him some. And then guess what the fuck happened? He says, ‘I don’t drink. I’m in recovery and have been for 10 years.’ THIS was the fucking sign. THIS was the reason I was there.

At this point I was drinking a lot and KNEW that stopping was necessary, but I could not wrap my head around it. I asked the universe countless time what I needed and it always answered ‘quit drinking’, but I could not imagine a life without alcohol. And here was this guy doing EXACTLY that.

After he told me, I went to my room and cried. I screamed at the universe, ‘UGH. OKAY FINE. I hear you. I get it.’ Did I stop drinking then? NO. But, I was very aware that all signs were pointing me in that direction.

The thing is, if you believe in magic and pay attention to the things going on around you, you’ll be AMAZED at how the universe shows up for you. It happened to me then and continues to happen to me now. There are signs all the time. I trust that there is a plan from the universe and a reason for all things.

Here are some images from my time in AZ and of the ‘meditation house’.