Day 159. Full disclaimer: this post, as the title would suggest, has nothing to do with spirituality or sobriety. But it DOES have everything to with women and sex.
This is the part where I ask my mom, my mother-in-law and all other family members who are tempted to stop reading. STOP. READING. This WILL get very weird for all of us if you continue.
I am 37 years old and have been thinking a lot about my age lately, specifically in relation to sex. I have been thinking about how close I am to menopause and how fucking scary that is. How close I am to being dried up and dead between the thighs. And how, if that is the case, I want to have a lot (A LOT) more amazing sex in the next 10 or so years.
Here is the thing that happened to me, and maybe to some of you reading this. NO ONE ever told me that sex was meant to be a mutually enjoyable experience. From the first time a boy felt my boobs in 9th grade to the ripe old age of 37, it’s always been about the man. I mean, sometimes I would climax and that was cool, but as long as HE did- that’s what mattered. WHAT THE FUCK? WHATTTTT. THEEEEE. FUCCCCKKKKK?
Growing up, no one talked to me about my period or sex or my body. Or about how sex SHOULD be enjoyable for a woman. I was left to figure it out on my own and the result of that was an insecure, co-dependent girl who thought that a boy would only like her if he got to do things with her with her body, if HE felt pleasure.
That theme continued through college, when I began having sex. I mean, none of us know what the hell we’re doing at first, but somehow all of my partners were having orgasms and mine were no where to be found.
Bare in mind that I started masturbating when I was about 14 and discovered the female orgasm shortly thereafter. I KNEW how wonderful they were, but never connected the dots that my experience with someone else could and SHOULD yield the same results.
It’s sad but true that throughout my entire sexual life, I cared little about how sex made ME feel. That stops now.
I don’t know when the shift happened. Sometime since getting sober, I suppose. Once the fog had lifted from my brain and I could think clearly, I realized what a crock of shit this all was.
Sex should be consensual and beautiful and primal for the love of GOD, YOU SHOULD BOTH CUM. Now, this may not happen EVERY time, but ladies….it’s more than okay for this to be your goal. I am making it mine.
And guess what? If you’re orgasming during sex…. YOU WANT TO HAVE MORE SEX. When it’s enjoyable, you want more of it. It’s fucking science.
Sex is a big topic. It’s as huge as you want your partner’s penis to be. It would be impossible for me to unpack all of the societal issues around this subject in one blog post. I won’t even pretend to be doing that here. Like all of my other posts, this one is a reflection of MY experiences and yield MY opinions only. I do have some suggestions, though, for all my lady friends…
*Touch yourself. For fuck’s sake, can we stop being so weird about masturbation? It is normal and natural and the BEST way for you to discover what you like. If you don’t know what you like, how will you guide your partner? And, don’t be afraid to get weird. It’s your time- EXPLORE.
*On that topic, get comfy with buying sex toys. If you don’t have a plethora of vibrators and dildos, stop reading and head to amazon prime. Trust me when I tell you that sex toys will change your life. CHANGE. YOUR. LIFE.
*Now you know what you like, so TELL HIM (or her). Tell him all the time. Encourage him. Cheer him on when he’s doing things that feel amazing. Keep it positive. Have conversations before sex, during sex and afterwards. The more open the lines of communication are, the more often you’ll be cumming- yay.
*Sex should be about what you like JUST AS MUCH as it is about what you partner likes. What position do YOU feel the sexiest in? What position makes you orgasm? Get comfortable in those positions and practice them often. Try all different positions. Have sex on furniture, in rooms around the house, in the shower. Sex does not always need to happen in a bed.
*It is more than okay to use toys when you’re with your partner. It feels weird at first, but if the goal is for both people to orgasm and toys help that…use them. This does not make your parter ‘less than’. They are just used to heighten your experience.
*Don’t forget about your nipples, gals. Nipples are sensitive and awesome.
*TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTERS. Tell them about consent and be very clear about what is okay and what is not. Tell her that she has sexual needs and ensure her that they are natural and beautiful. Tell her that any experience with a boy (or girl) should make her feel good-JUST AS GOOD- as it makes him feel.
*TALK TO YOUR SONS. Tell them about consent and be very clear about what is okay and what is not. Tel him that when it’s time for girls, to keep in mind that they have needs too. And that he should work hard to make sure they’re met.
It’s our time, ladies, to stand up for what we believe in. To speak our truth. And that includes having great fucking sex.