I know I am not alone in feeling like I just can’t figure this motherhood thing out. It’s HARD and I want my children to know that I tried. I REALLY tried my best. And that’s all I ever want for them too- to try their best and be the best versions of themselves.
Dear Henry and Stella,
I never knew there could be a love as big and beautiful as the love I felt for you when you were growing inside me. The moment I held each of you in my arms for the first time will be forever engrained as the best moments of my life.
Being your mom has been one of the best gifts I have given myself, but it has also been my most challenging undertakings. To be honest, I often find myself feeling like I’m coming up short. I frequently feel like I’ve failed you and for that, I am deeply sorry.
I am sorry for anytime that you didn’t feel seen or heard because I was tied up in my work or a household chore. I am sorry if there was something that you needed that I didn’t recognize and, therefore, couldn’t address. I am sorry for any time I raised my voice at you.
I am deeply sorry for the drinking years- of which I hope you have little to no memory of. I am sorry I felt like I needed to numb out from raising you. I will never forgive myself for putting you in danger as I drove under the influence with you in back seat.
I am sorry for anytime I showed you anything but adoration and respect for your father. He is the best gift I could have given you and everything I would want you to have in a partner.
I hope that the positive memories of your early years seep into your mind as often as they do into mine. Memories of us snuggling in bed or building sand castles on the beach. The dance parties in the living room and riding in the car with all the windows down, singing our hearts out. I hope you remember how much we loved adventures- traveling to new places often. I hope you’ll think of me holding you when you cried, kissing your boo boos and reading you stories. I hope that when you think back to your childhood, you remember a time of pure joy. Of ice cream and laughter and FUN. I hope you felt loved.
Please know, even when it seemed like I wasn’t, I was doing my absolute best. I worked on myself often so I could be the best version of me, for you. Know that after you were asleep, I often laid with you and talked to you- apologizing for my short comings that day and promising to make it up to you when you woke.
I want you to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, towards others and towards Mother Earth. I hope that I gave you the tools to do the best with what’s in front of you. I hope you’re truly, madly and deeply happy.